May was a pretty difficult month for me. A combination of things basically pulled the world from underneath my feet. I felt so empty, and so numb, that as days and weeks went by I began to wonder if I was still falling, falling, and would came to an abrupt crash against the deep low to which my reality seemed to have suddenly sunk into.
And I feared that possibility. I am a person of extremes --I don't get sad: I get depressed, I despair. When I feel happy, it's almost a mania: I will get SO happy that the joy of everyday things --my family, my books, and other blessings-- can be enough to cause me to tear up if I think about them too much. And when I --very, very rarely-- get angry, I'm so overwhelmed by the feeling that I just cry; I can't even yell.
So I feared that the recent events hadn't really sunk in for me yet, and that when they did, I would fall apart.
You see, my first serious relationship, which lasted six months, came to an abrupt end early last month. In addition, I learned that I would lose my part-time job, a job that I absolutely love, in mid June. My life, which felt perfect until then, seemed to fall to pieces. I'm a very optimistic person by nature, but I could only see dark, difficult times ahead --and lonely ones too.
Today I was going through every post on my Facebook wall up to May 2009. I was looking for a particular comment that a friend made. Before I began, I asked myself, "Do you really want to look at everything right now, just to find that silly comment? All those happy status updates, all those pictures, all those memories." I told myself I would scroll through all that as fast as I could until I found what I was looking for.
Didn't happen, as you can imagine. Of course, one's eyes will linger. It couldn't be helped.
I kept scrolling down, looking, reading. I read everything that I posted to Facebook for the past twelve months--what I did, where I went, how I felt.
It was a wonderful year.
I had so much fun! I went out with my friends. Got the two biggest freelance deals of my life yet. I saw great movies, went to Disney with my mom, and to two conventions. I discovered World of Warcraft and made new friends there. I got to visit the company that makes the animal replicas I collect. I read so many new books. I tried kickboxing. I went camping for the first time in my adult life and actually had fun. I met the person with whom, almost a half year later, I would have my first relationship. And such an enjoyable one! It will forever be a sweet memory for me. I don't regret a thing.
I read on my wall how things went from bad to good, to bad again, then to great, and eventually to amazing, to levels I never thought I would experience.
Now they've taken another little dip, and I finally know not to worry.
This Facebook wall reminds me of the way my life has been since my childhood. There are always those dips, and then happy times come back with a vengeance.
I may not know what my future holds, but I know it'll be good, sooner or later. In the meantime, I can help myself by keeping a positive outlook, like I've always done.
I think I tried to pretend that nothing had happened, which is what numbed me to it all. I locked it all somewhere deep inside myself. Now that I've taken it out, tenderly held it in my hand and looked at it from different angles, I don't feel empty or numb anymore. It's a beautiful memory. I'm glad to have it.
Now I can put it away, and go make some more.
-Marina
